A Christmas Message That Might Make People Cry

Well, I've felt like I've been going crazy these past couple of days. Am I overwhelmed with the responsibilities of an adulthood life? No. In fact, I'm on vacation. I have done absolutely nothing for 6 consecutive days.
I turn into a completely different person between being in Logan and being at home. In Logan, I feel like I'm not very funny/fun and I'm always busy. Then I go home for Christmas, sit on my can by the TV and crack jokes to my mom the whole time.
Anyways, both of these sides of me are Christian. And neither of them are very good at conversing Christian topics. Fact is folks, I go to church every week. I'm LDS. I rarely swear at all. I've taught classes at church 6 times this year [in 3 different wards (yet I was never actually called to be a teacher)]. I try really hard to be a good person. It stresses me out. But I have personal spiritual goals and look at the moral value behind most all my choices. Because- well- I believe in Jesus Christ. 
Now tomorrow is Christmas. For the first time in my life, I'm excited about Christmas. According to my mom, I was never even excited about Christmas as a child. Just this year, I've been very Christmassy. I've been listening to Christmas music since late October.
My split personalities between Logan-Scott and home-Scott are driving me crazy right now. I love making my family laugh and watching Sports Center, but I think that 0 of my family members can take me seriously. It 's my own fault, I guess. It's not like a ton of people in Logan take me seriously either, it's just that I have real conversations there. Especially this year. I've exchanged- given and received- a lot of advice this year. I don't know why people trust me or why I trust them. BUT THAT'S WHAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT.
I can't think of a better reason to stay alive than enveloping yourself in the love of mankind. In which case, I consider myself an overly-observant lover. Anyway, the concept of someone who loves every member of mankind being in charge of the what happens on Earth makes a lot of sense to me.
I admit, the birth of Christ makes for an interesting story, but I wasn't alive in 1 AD and I don't associate with shepherds. Aside from His birth, it's when I think about the works, death and resurrection (AKA: ATONEMENT) of Jesus Christ is where I get the so-called "Christmas Spirit." Your celebrating the birth of your Savior. He gave everything.
People say it's a season for giving, but I'm bad at that. Although, I mentioned earlier how I've had deep conversations with people this year. I've made a lot of friends. So here's a quote- not from the Bible, not from Charles Dickens- but from the "Thankful Heart" in A Muppet Christmas Carol:

"If you want to know the measure of a man, just simply count his friends!" 

This last semester, my social life went to pot. One might say I don't have very many friends. And I kinda don't. But essentially, I have a ton. I'm sure Christ wants you to give this holiday season, but he also wants you to Be A Friend. Spend time with old friends and make some new ones. Remove any requirements you have for accepting other people. I've learned that being there for other people and having other people to turn to is Important with a capital "I." It's the greatest thing in the world to Be A Friend. Somehow in the last few months, I've forgotten this. And whether you like what you've heard or not- I can honestly say that Jesus Christ is greatest example of a friend there is. From Matt 25:40...

"Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."

This includes sack lunches for the homeless. It might include gift-wrapped CDs for your little brother. But it also includes legitimate concern and trust in others. According to the quote, showing concern and trust in your friends is the same as showing concern and trust in Christ. And just like a friend, He will give it back. Well, I hope I get myself together for Christmas morning. Be a friend this Christmas!

Making Someone's Day Is 1 Compliment Away

Yes, the title rhymes.
Anyways, I just remembered a principle I usually forget: Complimenting people!
I am not very good at complimenting people. Or myself, for that matter. When I compliment people, it's sincere and simple... but also pretty rare. Anyways, I've been receiving lots of compliments lately. And it's amazing how some of them I take with 0 grace and how others just turn my day right-side-up. I remembered a change I made when I was 18; a senior in high school. I started just telling every girl how cute they looked that day. I didn't even have any intentions, but I noticed that it made most of them feel better. Now folks: There are plenty more types of compliments to give people. I've always known this, and I apply it at random. I'm  not even that nice to girls these days. I understand the principle of complimenting others, but I suck at it.
In the past week, people have complimented on my sculpturing, my guitar playing, my bass guitar playing, my work ethic, my looks, and (the hilarious one) my health. This is a lot. I realized that I've seen some faces light up when I've made recent compliments. But not always. As I get older, I realize there are more people like me who respond to compliments with a "yeah, sure, thanks." \
I have today officially decided to give sincere compliments to others as often as I feel and to seek things to compliment on.
Also, I need to cheer the heck up when people compliment me. Sincere or not, they're trying to be nice. Show them how much you appreciate their compliment.
BE NICE
...By the way, you look GREAT today!

Lonsdale Quay

I wish I could take you to Lonsdale Quay
We could walk on the boardwalk and take the ferry
Come in December, see their big ol' Christmas tree
Be there with me on Lonsdale Quay

Buy expensive pizza, feed some to the birds
Democrats in baseball caps, using fancy words
Beggars on benches sleep under newspapers
Across the bay, you can see the skyscrapers

I wish I could go back to Lonsdale Quay
East of Capilano, west of the factory
I recall being relieved of some anxieties
Just from walkin' 'round Lonsdale Quay

Sea water scent and discontent
A wincing face in the marketplace
The guy in a tie who used to be me
Smiling inside on Lonsdale
On Lonsdale Quay

F Gm7 F//F Gm7 C7//Dm A A# A#7//F Dm C11sus2 F
G G7//C C7//F F7 A#//F Dm Gm7 C7
F Gm7 F//F Gm7 C7//Dm A A# A#7//F Dm C11sus2 F
F//D//Dm A A# A#m//Gm Am A# C//A# C11sus2 F

Missionary work studyweek

MONDAY; BYU Devotional
"The Approachable Master"
Douglas R. McKinlay (BYU Communications dept)

-The further we get from the Savior, we closer we get to the adversary.
-We come vulnerable when Satan makes us feel alone.
Strategies Satan uses to keep us from the Master:
1. He convinces us that we are unworthy—even through prayer—to enter the presence of the Master.
2. He makes us believe that we can do all things on our own
-"I can do it myself" is the 3-year old tantrum phrase/leaves us out there and alone

- I memorized this quote from Harvard philosopher James Allen that points out the danger of “going it alone”:

Man is the causer (though nearly always unconsciously) of his[own] circumstances, and that, whilst aiming at a good end, he is continually frustrating its accomplishment by encouraging thoughts and desires which cannot possibly harmonize with that end.

-3. He creates doubt about our own self-worth and our God-given abilities.

4. He gives us a feeling of entitlement.

5. He helps us develop our powers of

-He lives and He wants nothing more than to help us perform well on this playing field of life.

TUESDAY: BYU Devotional
"The Great Plan of Redemption"
Bruce L. Brown (BYU Psychology dept)

-Imagine living in the existentially empty universe portrayed by so many of the nihilistic philosophers of our time. Fortunately for them, as well as for us, they are wrong.

-The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that “when men receive their instruction from Him that made them, they know how He will save them” (Teachings, p. 12)

-Truly the doctrines of the Restoration are from God, and truly they are doctrines of optimism.

-“This is a book written by a Jew to a Jew in a very unself-conscious way.”

WEDNESDAY: General Conference (2001)

"Witnesses Unto Me"

Jeffrey R. Holland

People do not join the Church because of what they know. They join because of what they feel (what they see and want spiritually)

Be genuine. Reach out sincerely. Ask these friends what matters most to them. What do they cherish, and what do they hold dear? And then listen. If the setting is right you might ask what their fears are, what they yearn for, or what they feel is missing in their lives.

If we listen with love, we won’t need to wonder what to say. It will be given to us—by the Spirit and by our friends.

I promise you thatsomething in what they say will always highlight a truth of the gospel about which you can bear testimony and about which you can then offer more.

Joseph Smith: “After all that has been said, [our] greatest and most important duty is to preach the Gospel.”

THURSDAY:  BYU Devotional (2009)

"Zion Is the Pure in Heart"

Elaine S. Dalton

-He outlined the process of decision making by referring to Doctrine and Covenants section 9. Everyone else seemed to be very familiar with this section of the scriptures except me. You are all familiar with it too, but for me, that day, it was pure revelation and provided a pattern for me to receive an answer to my prayers. He read:

Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong. [D&C 9:7–9]

I knew that I had to act!

-You may even be asked to run to the point of exhaustion, but by doing so, the warmth of the Lord’s love will preserve you for the great work yet to come.

- Virtue and chastity are inseparably connected. You cannot have one without the other. A return to virtue is a return to purity.

-No wonder Satan has increased the intensity of his attacks. If you can be distracted, delayed, or disqualified from entering into the temples and doing the very work you have been prepared and reserved to do, he wins.

-We live in a world that is concerned about cleanliness and purity—the cleanliness of our air and the cleanliness of our environment, our water, and even our food. Yet society tolerates moral pollution in the form of pornography on billboards, television, and the Internet and in entertainment and other media.

-Do not allow pornography to diminish your personal power. Remain pure so that you can exercise the power of the priesthood with which God has entrusted you.

-Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God. [Mormon 9:28]

-We called it our Thanksgiving run, and as we ran we called out things for which we were thankful.

-“Satan wants you to think that you cannot repent, but that is absolutely not true.”¹⁴ A return is always possible because of the Savior’s Atonement.

-Seek the companionship of virtuous friends, not virtual friends. Remember, “virtue loveth virtue [and] light cleaveth unto light” (D&C 88:40). This is a relationship scripture. In your pursuit of friendships and an eternal marriage partner, you cannot just make a list of all the qualities you are looking for in another or in an eternal companion. You must be your list at all times and in all things and in all places.

MONDAY: General Conference (1984)

"Live the Gospel"

Gordon B. Hinckley

-I urge the people of the Church, wherever you may be, when you are faced with problems, first to try to solve those problems yourselves. Think about them, study alternatives available to you, pray about them, and look to the Lord for direction. 

-Your bishop or branch president is a man of God, called under the authority of the holy priesthood as the shepherd of the flock. It is so much better that you consult with these your local brethren rather than that you write to the General Authorities of the Church, who, in many instances, will simply refer your query back to your bishop or stake president.

-Enjoy your membership in the Church. Where else in all the world can you find such a society?

-“Live the gospel.” That is the greatest challenge we face. 

-It is a simple declaration, but encompassed in those few words is a mandate applicable to each of us. -It concerns our home and family life. It concerns our daily work. It concerns our activities and responsibilities as men and women, brothers and sisters, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As we return to our homes, let us resolve within our hearts to more fully live the gospel.

-“Life is good.” Life in the service of the Lord is good. It is beautiful. It is rewarding.

-Cultivate a spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk one to another.

TUESDAY: General Conference (2012)

"How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life"

Richard G. Scott

- I start reading a passage of scripture; I ponder what the verse means and pray for inspiration. I then ponder and pray to know if I have captured all the Lord wants me to do. Often more impressions come with increased understanding of doctrine.
-A good sense of humor helps revelation; loud laughter does not. A sense of humor is an escape valve for the pressures of life.
-Careful, quiet speech will favor the receipt of revelation.
-Exercise, reasonable amounts of sleep, and good eating habits increase our capacity to receive and understand revelation. 
-An individual who is arrogant or who lets his or her emotions influence decisions will not be powerfully led by the Spirit.
-When we are acting as instruments in behalf of others, we are more easily inspired than when we think only of ourselves. In the process of helping others, the Lord can piggyback directions for our own benefit.

People As Objects

I have wasted time drinking my breathe, a Holy grail
Tonight, I quit the hard stuff and see beyond veils
I'm used to faking I'm blind then magically turning Christian
I just remembered I have eyes! If you have ears, listen:

Sometimes I fear I've died and gone straight to adulthood
A cell for the children who've dreamed too damn much for their own good
I've always thought of people as objects, as songs
The love is still there, but the beauty just fades 'til it's gone. all. gone.

The sun's a fat fire filling the whole sky with smoke
The only 4-letter word I'm scared to say is "hope"
But tonight, I quit the hard stuff! I take my first step on the stairs
Sit down a little while, I'll play somethin' for ya if. you. care.
People as objects, people as songs
Never forget the...

Thomas B. Holman (BYU professor of marriage, 2000 BYU devotional)

Matthew 7:3–5: And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

The ABCs of Courtship
*A is the Attraction and Acquaintance stage.
*When the seeking, sending, and receiving is done in sync—in other words, both people are seeking, sending, and receiving the same messages—the couple moves to the B or Build-Up Stage. At this point the couple gets to know each other and checks out the person to see if he or she is the right person for them.
*C stage, the stage of Consolidation, Continuation, and mutual Commitment to the eternal relationship.
*We need to understand not only the ABCs of courtship but also the D and E stages of courtship: Deterioration and Ending. The D and E phases of relationship development are possibly the most difficult to deal with.


“make a decision” 
First, be worthy to receive the inspiration you need.
Second, understand the balance between agency and inspiration.
Third, seek multiple witnesses.
Fourth, learn to discern between inspiration, infatuation, desperation, and a desire to please others.
Fifth, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved.


The Right Person Is Not Perfect—Yet
We would do well to remember Elder Richard G. Scott’s counsel that mirrors my wife’s comments:
I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife. [“Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign, May 1999, 26]

I. Emotional Part of Love

Immature Love	Mature Love
Possessiveness	Lasting Passion
Jealousy	Desire for
Infatuation	Companionship
Preoccupation	Warm Feeling of
Anxiety	Contentment

II. Belief Part of Love

Immature Love	Mature Love
“Love Is Blind”	Commitment
External to Us	Trust
Beyond Our Control	Sharing
	Sacrifice

III. Behavior Part of Love

Immature Love	Mature Love
Selfish	Create an Environment
Lustful	for Growth and
Concerned Only	Development
with Satisfying	Allows Other Space
Own Needs	for Growth
Clinging
Overdependent
Demanding of
Obedience

Reaching (+1 extra verse) (for class)

Kari, I apologize
For actin' up that way
Is your father still alive
And are you still OK?
I didn't mean what I said
In case you couldn't tell
I had always looked ahead
Until I fell
I'm not done
I'm just wond'rin'
I don't know where ya been
Did you ever give in?

There's that, among other things
But I don't have the time
I can't tell you ev'rything
That's on my mind

Jesus, have you ever felt
That your children get bored;
Riding your conveyor belt
To get sold at your stores ?
Ye may be bought with a price
But can't I just be free?
You think I want paradise
But that's not me
That's not all
I'm just wond'rin'
If there's something to see
Won't ya show it to me?
Is love just getting stressed out
Over things that aren't mine?
If you really have answers
Then I got time

Perry, we met at the church
Your hair was long and brown
Do you still live in PR
Or do you live downtown?
We would talk about the bands
That nobody else knew
Is it true that you're close friends
With Kevin Drew?
I don't know
I'm just reaching
I hate our arguments
Will I see you again?
Is Walter still seeing things?
Hasn't he lost his mind?
If I never hear from you
I guess that's fine

Lisa, please just disregard
The stuff I said and wrote
Back then, life was pretty hard
Tell me, have you lost hope?
Anna, you're not the only
One on SSRIs
Are you not feelin' lonely?
It's in your eyes
I have thought
Of everyone
Cuz I just gotta know
I just gotta know
Hallelujah, how are you?
What are you tryin' to find?
I will tell you ev'rything
If you got time


A Asus2 Bm7 C#m#5 (x2)
D7sus2 D6omit3 C#m#5 Bm11 (x2)
x2
F#m Dsus2 F#m Dsus2 F#m G Dsus2 C#m#5addb2 Bm11
A Asus2 Bm7 C#m#5 (x2)
D7sus2 D6omit3 C#m#5 Bm11 (x2)

I'd Be Worried Too

Wrapped in the gold
Praying for instant classics
Look what I found
Digging through the attic
Every summer, every winter
Every time I have the time
On the couch, there goes unnoticed
A man sleeping in his mind

Wrapped in the gold
Demanding cornfield nostalgia
Summertime blues
When all your ideas have failed ya
Every summer, I'd be worried
I'd be worried too if I were you
On the couch, he was a favorite
With a friend or 2...
But none of them are you

I wish I was
Wrapped in the gold once again
Living the dream
Before I had to pay rent
Before I had to talk
Before I had to love
Before I had to to do both at the same

Hey man, I'd be worried too
If I was in your shoes

G Em G Em
CM7 G Am C CM9/B Am
GM7 Emadd9 CM7 Am
(high time= GM7/B Esus2 C Am)

Where Are You From And Why Are You From There?

Hey you, where are you from? And why are you from there?
This is truly important! And I really care
At some point our conversation will lead to the punch bowl
No need to give it time, I need to know now
Do you wanna kill my dreams in the moonlight?
I always wondered why you've been getting on my case
You never asked me why I came here in the first place

It's been a long year for the songwriter, no doubt
But this September's looking like a classic fluke
A Cinderella Mercer over Duke
This tastes funny now and your eyes tell me
Your eyes are my eyes in a million years
I always wondered why you've been getting on my case
You never asked me why I came here in the first place
You never asked, but what if I came here to just suck face?

GM7 Dm7 Cm7 Bm7 Am7
GM7 Dm7 E7sus2 F7sus2 Cadd2

G6add9 FM#11sus2 Em Dm7 Cadd2

Pining for the Past

More often than not I think of running away
The things I see and people I know say "Stay"
My reality can make me cry
My future has always been a lie
Cradled in my arms at night
Kissing me 'til I'm alright
All alone...All along
When you try to be like them or they bring you down
When you're writing songs about about a fake hometown
Every song I've ever heard
Every note and every word
Every mountain that I've dreamed
Every person that I've been
All alone...All along
I've stared at the mirror, pining for the past
I've stared at the leaves as I wade through the grass
I don't know if love is real
Though, yeah, it sure would be ideal
We are brothers holding on
Keeping something true and strong
Not alone...All along

Wyatt's Song

Hey holly holly where's the substance?
I know you wear it but you're not punk rock
Hey holly holly do me justice
We can build it from a cardboard box
We can make a movie if you wanna
We've been planning this out for years
Hey holly holly we did drama
Now here we are with no career

Hey holly holly how's that movie?
The one you've been filming on your roof?
Hey holly holly tell me, truly
Would you trade your future for your youth?
Summer's gone but you keep your shirt off
Let's hit the mountains, grab your backpack
Hey holly holly we're on a mission
And we're never comin' back

Hey holly holly play what you like
Some Raw Power and some local scene
Pass me another Jones and grab your bike
We're livin' like we're f***in' 17
We're livin' life like a f***in' dream
Hey holly holly
Hey holly holly
Hey...

SHOW ME

You know me
You know the facts that almost matter but you
Don't know me
Don't know the stuff that's really matter
How am I supposed to be?
How am I supposed to know?
How am I supposed to love you like I know you?
I'll go if you go
and SHOW ME
if that aint who you are, come on and SHOW ME
even if it's hard, come on and SHOW ME
you've taken it this far, can't you just SHOW ME?
I know you
I know the basics and the motives but you
Don't know me
I know it's so easy to blow this
How am I supposed to know?
How am I supposed be?
How am I supposed to pretend like I know you?
If there's nothin' left to see
why don't you SHOW ME
if you got nothin' to hide, why don't you SHOW ME
what's on the inside? come on and SHOW ME
i aint sayin' you lied, but you gotta SHOW ME
(Showwwww me) SHOW ME do it for a brother, just SHOW ME prove it, now! aw! SHOW ME if that aint who you are, come on and SHOW ME what do you believe? you gotta
Show me, show me, show me, show me, show meeeeeee

my entire life explained

Ever since I could remember, I've been making up songs.
Like, in my head.
I guess I've heard that some people do that when their little, but I never stopped. I've been making up songs in my head since I was very young. And this explains why I can't always relate to people. Why I can't build any lasting, close relationships with people. Why I zone out in social situations, etc.
I often wonder what other people think about. There were a few years in my life when I was negative about this- I questioned whether my thoughts were normal. I've recently become at peace with my thoughts. I decided my thoughts are pretty normal and I know people who think like I do in some respects... except for the whole "songs" thing.
I'm not sure if I've met anybody who makes up songs all the time. Anybody whose thought that way their entire life. Someone who's never satisfied with the artistic work they come up with in their head, constantly.
So I'm very critical of modern pop music. Am I trying to prove a point? The more influences I get, the better. Not like every artist out there will influence me, I got to listen to everything at least once.
Still, I think of riffs, hooks, lyrics, song titles consistently. This is the mind of Scott E Hall for the last 23 years.
I no longer think there's "something wrong with me." But I 100% believe that this whole "songs" thing is unique; individualistic.
I'm afraid to say it aloud. I've been telling people "I think of songs" and "I write music," but nobody knows that its on my mind, practically every hour of my life. That's not normal. But it doesn't make it wrong.
I remember a couple songs I wrote from when I was very little. (Ex: I remember a song I made for a lego plane I made at age 4. It was called "Scary 5109." Don't ask.) But the songs I've planned on sticking with are at the most 5 years old. (ex: My blog post titled "Memory Maker" is divided into 3 parts. The first part was made 5 years ago, the third part was made 4 years ago & the second part was made Valentine's Day 2013.)
These past 2 weeks or so, I've felt more mentally stable than I have in YEARS. I realize everything's okay. But this "songs" thing... it might be hard for people to understand if I told them. Not the concept itself- but they probably won't believe me. But it's true. It's 100% true. I hope you all believe me.

The Day I Got My Mouth Back

I have this problem... it's hard to explain...
My mouth... hasn't felt normal... in over 4 years.
UNTIL THIS WEEKEND.
I went to the temple on Saturday morning- definitely not my first time there or anything- but this time, when I left- my mouth didn't feel weird!
My singing voice has become better than ever. My mouth can open a million miles wide like it used to. Even when I'm stressed out, my cheeks don't feel scrunched up or uncomfortable. It's incredibly refreshing! A physical attribute of my anxiety/depression has been removed!

I Want You In My Life

Believe me when I say that I want you in my life

Believe me when I say that I want you in my life

Is there anyone who wants you by their side?

Is there anyone who tried?

Believe me when I say that I want you in my life

I mean it when I say that I want you in my life

Is there any reason why I can't reach you here?

Is there any reason why?

Is there any reason for the way things have been?

Is there any way in?

Believe me when I say that I want you in my life

My life just goes, I'm still alone and I want you in my life

Is there any reason why I can't reach you here?

Is there any way I could?

Believe me when I say that I want you in my life

12:52 AM (7/7/2014)

Went to bed a little after 11. Couldn't get to sleep. Dozed off for a little then woke up around midnight.
I couldn't get to sleep at first because my heart was full of fear and my mind was occupied with all this sad and crazy ideas. I woke up and suddenly everything was different. I started to go back. Back before this summer began. Before I had even met most of the people I know now. There have been a couple of sad moments this past hour, but mostly exciting. It's sad that I've been trying to improve myself this summer and things just seem to be going on a backwards, downhill mental slope. Why? I'm not sure. I've felt a lot more mature these last 2 months, but also more stressed and scared and I have too much time on my hands. Combining the 23 year-old Scott with old-school Scott seems like a pretty ingenious idea. It sounds SO simple, but its gonna be hard to pull off. How "old-school"? I myself was thinking about spring semester, only a couple months ago. I was truly applying my "Be A Friend" principle. Not sure how that slipped away. But I can't get back to sleep. All I ate yesterday was a brownie, some cookies and a very small portion of soup. I remember in spring semester I wasn't always mentally there. But I wasn't depressed. I would just get down easily, like I did when I was 17. I've improved on this, yet I've having thoughts of running away- fear- stress- anxiety- depression. I will do my best to be my best self and find my best self and realize what I want and realize I'm 23. I have work at 7:30 tomorrow. I have terrible car trouble that I've been praying about. I need to move forward. BUT HOW? Do crazy things I think about. Spend time with the exact people I want to be with. Read the scriptures daily. Keep up this great relationship I've developed with Heavenly Father. Don't give up on my dreams, even the stupid ones. Play guitar. "Never write music unless you feel like it" -Neil Young. RUN. Hike. Cherish my current friendships. Don't be more epic than I have to be. Follow the Spirit. Be epic when you feel like it. Where I live now? This aint my home anymore. Anywhere I lay my head, I'm gonna call my home! Practice self-disciple. Practice determination. Be open. Be honest. Don't let the man bring you down. Be punk rock. Be more than free. Practice missionary work. Practice my calling. Talk to girls you want to talk to. Talk with guys you need to talk to. Consider that "runnaway" thing with common sense. Be a good neighbor. Be a good brother. Be a good family member. Sing aloud. Think about music. Think about theatre. THINK ABOUT OTHERS. I could go on. But this summer his been somewhat of a wind-down. And tonight? I'm winding back up. I'm gonna go back. WAY BACK. And then  I'm gonna go forward.
1:08

I Wanna Know If Love Is Real

After years of being fed all these lies
I have returned to the surface and I realize
Maybe all this time, I've just been jokin'
Cuz I've been knockin' all day but the doors won't open
I don't believe there's an other side
I don't believe there an other side anymore!

I been happy, been sad, but mostly pissed
Can't say I aint never felt like this
I kinda keep loopin' through the same old riffs
Hey! Is there somethin' goin' on I musta missed?
I gotta know for real this time
I gotta know for real this time, gotta know!

I wanna know if love is real
I wanna know how far it goes
Maybe I feel what people feel
Maybe I do but I don't know

I've been waiting for this answer ever since my life began
I hope I find it, I hope you be there, and I hope you understand
It's important! It's important! It's important! It's important!
It's really...It's really...IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I gotta know if love is real//I wanna see how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...

My Shepherd Will Supply My Need

So I said my nightly prayer before I went to bed tonight and I was just kinda fumbling my thoughts, my words. Eventually I realized, "Heavenly Father, I really just don't have anything to say to you right now." And I realized that was okay. I basically just kept kneeling there and heard something along the lines of "It's okay if you don't talk to Me, but maybe you should listen to Me instead." 
This is hard to do. For any reason, I took as a prompting to end my prayer and literally listen to Mormon Tabernacle Choir as I laid in bed. I don't listen to them often, but I sincerely like them. Mack Wilberg's arrangements can be pretty exhausted at times, but when he nails it, he nails it.
Anyways,my favorite arrangement from him is probably for 'My Shepherd Will Supply My Need,' a hymn fcreated by 18th century composer Isaac Watts. As I was just lying there with my eyes to the ceiling, I had this uplifting experience that was- yes, personal- but I felt as though I had to share. 
I recently sent an email to a friend on a mission and explained to her that I think Christianity is very corny. I don't like corny things. But man, if God didn't speak to me tonight, I'm not sure who did. And He can speak to people through music. He can speak to people at midnight as they lie awake in bed. He can speak to people even if they were just thinking about apostate music and feeling a cyclical load of self-doubt just moments before. The Lord Jesus Christ is my stay, and specifically tonight, He supplied whatever it was I needed. I consider the fact that His Atonement fills all the empty gaps we have in our lives. Thanks, God.

I listened to the most amount of Mormon Tabernacle Choir when I was serving my 2 year LDS mission, a time where I must admit was covered in anxiety and depression and darkness. But I still did all the things I was supposed to do. My mental stress may have prevented me from some spiritual experiences then, but the lifestyle I lead prepared for spiritual moments later on in life. It was like even then when I was in North Vancouver and seriously considered driving the myself off the docks into the Pacific just to see what happens, God wanted me to stay up. And I did. 
Now here I am. I didn't send myself to the hospital on my 20th birthday. I'm 23. I'm up late at night listening to my favorite hymns and the Spirit is strong here; somehow crawling through my immature little mind and settling within me. I know that the Lord gives us what we need. Before everything else, I need to remember the first love I've ever felt: Knowing I am a child of God.
**"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" (lyrics)**
My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace. 
When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head. 
The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

My Own Suburb

One day...I won't run
I'll be glued to the ground
They say...Good things come
But they don't stick around
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
Wishing I had my own suburb
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
This is kinda what I've always wanted

And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
And the whole world just complains
Like we've earned some fat parade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go

One day...I won't speak
I'll run out of words
Maybe...I could speak
But nothing you aint heard (before)
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
I can't see, I'm grounded here
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
I can't even act, cuz I can't react

And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
On the people that He made
Just to watch 'em make the grade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go

Now we stare out at the rain
We can see our future wane
I don't know what was happening
But it was happening to me

There's a place I know I've been
Where I end and I begin
In my own suburb, I'll be free
Free to be who I could be

Shoulda Tried To Hold Your Hand

I been bored dreamin' bout my life
Spend way too long trynna react right
When I should just be reactin'
I know what to say, but I don't know when
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
There is nothing here to see...

Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!

At the party where you turned 18
I was just a dreamer and you were my dream
Movies playin' in your eyes that night
I was out for blood, but it felt alright
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
I'm always just reaching...

Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!

On the beach in 2000-10
Lost my humor and I lost some friends
Of all the recordings I play again
I'm always playing "it might have been."

Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I should tried to hold your hand!

(features direct quotes from John Greenleaf Whittier and Ian Cohen)

Memory Maker

I see the sun outside and before you know it I'm gone

I'm bikin', if you can keep up, then you can come along

I used to ride on your street just so I could pass your lawn

You'd smile and wave and I'd act like I don't know what's going on

(oh...)

We'd eat each other's mic's backstage and hold our laughter in

I was so plastered but was too dumb to say anythin'

I couldn't help but get so excited when I'd see ya grin

I know I know the memories and today, we begin

(Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh//Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh//Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh...)

Last year...I cried...Over...Everything

Last night... I flew...Over...Everyone

I shook...hands with...my own memories

And I flew...over...everything I'd done

And you were always there

(Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh//Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh//Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh...)

And you, for me...Got to be...All I need

And you, for me...Got to be...All I need

All I need...

Haunted by. Your favorite brother

People pass. They're all so covered
Years roll by. And where's your lover now?

Sun looks red. On Timpanogas
So high, so. Completely bogus
Wind blows by. The life you've known has passed