Went to bed a little after 11. Couldn't get to sleep. Dozed off for a little then woke up around midnight.
I couldn't get to sleep at first because my heart was full of fear and my mind was occupied with all this sad and crazy ideas. I woke up and suddenly everything was different. I started to go back. Back before this summer began. Before I had even met most of the people I know now. There have been a couple of sad moments this past hour, but mostly exciting. It's sad that I've been trying to improve myself this summer and things just seem to be going on a backwards, downhill mental slope. Why? I'm not sure. I've felt a lot more mature these last 2 months, but also more stressed and scared and I have too much time on my hands. Combining the 23 year-old Scott with old-school Scott seems like a pretty ingenious idea. It sounds SO simple, but its gonna be hard to pull off. How "old-school"? I myself was thinking about spring semester, only a couple months ago. I was truly applying my "Be A Friend" principle. Not sure how that slipped away. But I can't get back to sleep. All I ate yesterday was a brownie, some cookies and a very small portion of soup. I remember in spring semester I wasn't always mentally there. But I wasn't depressed. I would just get down easily, like I did when I was 17. I've improved on this, yet I've having thoughts of running away- fear- stress- anxiety- depression. I will do my best to be my best self and find my best self and realize what I want and realize I'm 23. I have work at 7:30 tomorrow. I have terrible car trouble that I've been praying about. I need to move forward. BUT HOW? Do crazy things I think about. Spend time with the exact people I want to be with. Read the scriptures daily. Keep up this great relationship I've developed with Heavenly Father. Don't give up on my dreams, even the stupid ones. Play guitar. "Never write music unless you feel like it" -Neil Young. RUN. Hike. Cherish my current friendships. Don't be more epic than I have to be. Follow the Spirit. Be epic when you feel like it. Where I live now? This aint my home anymore. Anywhere I lay my head, I'm gonna call my home! Practice self-disciple. Practice determination. Be open. Be honest. Don't let the man bring you down. Be punk rock. Be more than free. Practice missionary work. Practice my calling. Talk to girls you want to talk to. Talk with guys you need to talk to. Consider that "runnaway" thing with common sense. Be a good neighbor. Be a good brother. Be a good family member. Sing aloud. Think about music. Think about theatre. THINK ABOUT OTHERS. I could go on. But this summer his been somewhat of a wind-down. And tonight? I'm winding back up. I'm gonna go back. WAY BACK. And then I'm gonna go forward.
1:08
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