I have this problem... it's hard to explain...
My mouth... hasn't felt normal... in over 4 years.
UNTIL THIS WEEKEND.
I went to the temple on Saturday morning- definitely not my first time there or anything- but this time, when I left- my mouth didn't feel weird!
My singing voice has become better than ever. My mouth can open a million miles wide like it used to. Even when I'm stressed out, my cheeks don't feel scrunched up or uncomfortable. It's incredibly refreshing! A physical attribute of my anxiety/depression has been removed!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
I Want You In My Life
Believe me when I say that I want you in my life
Believe me when I say that I want you in my life
Is there anyone who wants you by their side?
Is there anyone who tried?
Believe me when I say that I want you in my life
I mean it when I say that I want you in my life
Is there any reason why I can't reach you here?
Is there any reason why?
Is there any reason for the way things have been?
Is there any way in?
Believe me when I say that I want you in my life
My life just goes, I'm still alone and I want you in my life
Is there any reason why I can't reach you here?
Is there any way I could?
Believe me when I say that I want you in my life
Monday, July 7, 2014
12:52 AM (7/7/2014)
Went to bed a little after 11. Couldn't get to sleep. Dozed off for a little then woke up around midnight.
I couldn't get to sleep at first because my heart was full of fear and my mind was occupied with all this sad and crazy ideas. I woke up and suddenly everything was different. I started to go back. Back before this summer began. Before I had even met most of the people I know now. There have been a couple of sad moments this past hour, but mostly exciting. It's sad that I've been trying to improve myself this summer and things just seem to be going on a backwards, downhill mental slope. Why? I'm not sure. I've felt a lot more mature these last 2 months, but also more stressed and scared and I have too much time on my hands. Combining the 23 year-old Scott with old-school Scott seems like a pretty ingenious idea. It sounds SO simple, but its gonna be hard to pull off. How "old-school"? I myself was thinking about spring semester, only a couple months ago. I was truly applying my "Be A Friend" principle. Not sure how that slipped away. But I can't get back to sleep. All I ate yesterday was a brownie, some cookies and a very small portion of soup. I remember in spring semester I wasn't always mentally there. But I wasn't depressed. I would just get down easily, like I did when I was 17. I've improved on this, yet I've having thoughts of running away- fear- stress- anxiety- depression. I will do my best to be my best self and find my best self and realize what I want and realize I'm 23. I have work at 7:30 tomorrow. I have terrible car trouble that I've been praying about. I need to move forward. BUT HOW? Do crazy things I think about. Spend time with the exact people I want to be with. Read the scriptures daily. Keep up this great relationship I've developed with Heavenly Father. Don't give up on my dreams, even the stupid ones. Play guitar. "Never write music unless you feel like it" -Neil Young. RUN. Hike. Cherish my current friendships. Don't be more epic than I have to be. Follow the Spirit. Be epic when you feel like it. Where I live now? This aint my home anymore. Anywhere I lay my head, I'm gonna call my home! Practice self-disciple. Practice determination. Be open. Be honest. Don't let the man bring you down. Be punk rock. Be more than free. Practice missionary work. Practice my calling. Talk to girls you want to talk to. Talk with guys you need to talk to. Consider that "runnaway" thing with common sense. Be a good neighbor. Be a good brother. Be a good family member. Sing aloud. Think about music. Think about theatre. THINK ABOUT OTHERS. I could go on. But this summer his been somewhat of a wind-down. And tonight? I'm winding back up. I'm gonna go back. WAY BACK. And then I'm gonna go forward.
1:08
I couldn't get to sleep at first because my heart was full of fear and my mind was occupied with all this sad and crazy ideas. I woke up and suddenly everything was different. I started to go back. Back before this summer began. Before I had even met most of the people I know now. There have been a couple of sad moments this past hour, but mostly exciting. It's sad that I've been trying to improve myself this summer and things just seem to be going on a backwards, downhill mental slope. Why? I'm not sure. I've felt a lot more mature these last 2 months, but also more stressed and scared and I have too much time on my hands. Combining the 23 year-old Scott with old-school Scott seems like a pretty ingenious idea. It sounds SO simple, but its gonna be hard to pull off. How "old-school"? I myself was thinking about spring semester, only a couple months ago. I was truly applying my "Be A Friend" principle. Not sure how that slipped away. But I can't get back to sleep. All I ate yesterday was a brownie, some cookies and a very small portion of soup. I remember in spring semester I wasn't always mentally there. But I wasn't depressed. I would just get down easily, like I did when I was 17. I've improved on this, yet I've having thoughts of running away- fear- stress- anxiety- depression. I will do my best to be my best self and find my best self and realize what I want and realize I'm 23. I have work at 7:30 tomorrow. I have terrible car trouble that I've been praying about. I need to move forward. BUT HOW? Do crazy things I think about. Spend time with the exact people I want to be with. Read the scriptures daily. Keep up this great relationship I've developed with Heavenly Father. Don't give up on my dreams, even the stupid ones. Play guitar. "Never write music unless you feel like it" -Neil Young. RUN. Hike. Cherish my current friendships. Don't be more epic than I have to be. Follow the Spirit. Be epic when you feel like it. Where I live now? This aint my home anymore. Anywhere I lay my head, I'm gonna call my home! Practice self-disciple. Practice determination. Be open. Be honest. Don't let the man bring you down. Be punk rock. Be more than free. Practice missionary work. Practice my calling. Talk to girls you want to talk to. Talk with guys you need to talk to. Consider that "runnaway" thing with common sense. Be a good neighbor. Be a good brother. Be a good family member. Sing aloud. Think about music. Think about theatre. THINK ABOUT OTHERS. I could go on. But this summer his been somewhat of a wind-down. And tonight? I'm winding back up. I'm gonna go back. WAY BACK. And then I'm gonna go forward.
1:08
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I Wanna Know If Love Is Real
After years of being fed all these lies
I have returned to the surface and I realize
Maybe all this time, I've just been jokin'
Cuz I've been knockin' all day but the doors won't open
I don't believe there's an other side
I don't believe there an other side anymore!
I been happy, been sad, but mostly pissed
Can't say I aint never felt like this
I kinda keep loopin' through the same old riffs
Hey! Is there somethin' goin' on I musta missed?
I gotta know for real this time
I gotta know for real this time, gotta know!
I wanna know if love is real
I wanna know how far it goes
Maybe I feel what people feel
Maybe I do but I don't know
I've been waiting for this answer ever since my life began
I hope I find it, I hope you be there, and I hope you understand
It's important! It's important! It's important! It's important!
It's really...It's really...IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I gotta know if love is real//I wanna see how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...
I have returned to the surface and I realize
Maybe all this time, I've just been jokin'
Cuz I've been knockin' all day but the doors won't open
I don't believe there's an other side
I don't believe there an other side anymore!
I been happy, been sad, but mostly pissed
Can't say I aint never felt like this
I kinda keep loopin' through the same old riffs
Hey! Is there somethin' goin' on I musta missed?
I gotta know for real this time
I gotta know for real this time, gotta know!
I wanna know if love is real
I wanna know how far it goes
Maybe I feel what people feel
Maybe I do but I don't know
I've been waiting for this answer ever since my life began
I hope I find it, I hope you be there, and I hope you understand
It's important! It's important! It's important! It's important!
It's really...It's really...IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I gotta know if love is real//I wanna see how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...I wanna know if love is real//I wanna know how far it goes//Maybe I feel what people feel//Maybe I do but I don't know...
Thursday, June 26, 2014
My Shepherd Will Supply My Need
So I said my nightly prayer before I went to bed tonight and I was just kinda fumbling my thoughts, my words. Eventually I realized, "Heavenly Father, I really just don't have anything to say to you right now." And I realized that was okay. I basically just kept kneeling there and heard something along the lines of "It's okay if you don't talk to Me, but maybe you should listen to Me instead."
This is hard to do. For any reason, I took as a prompting to end my prayer and literally listen to Mormon Tabernacle Choir as I laid in bed. I don't listen to them often, but I sincerely like them. Mack Wilberg's arrangements can be pretty exhausted at times, but when he nails it, he nails it.
Anyways,my favorite arrangement from him is probably for 'My Shepherd Will Supply My Need,' a hymn fcreated by 18th century composer Isaac Watts. As I was just lying there with my eyes to the ceiling, I had this uplifting experience that was- yes, personal- but I felt as though I had to share.
I recently sent an email to a friend on a mission and explained to her that I think Christianity is very corny. I don't like corny things. But man, if God didn't speak to me tonight, I'm not sure who did. And He can speak to people through music. He can speak to people at midnight as they lie awake in bed. He can speak to people even if they were just thinking about apostate music and feeling a cyclical load of self-doubt just moments before. The Lord Jesus Christ is my stay, and specifically tonight, He supplied whatever it was I needed. I consider the fact that His Atonement fills all the empty gaps we have in our lives. Thanks, God.
I listened to the most amount of Mormon Tabernacle Choir when I was serving my 2 year LDS mission, a time where I must admit was covered in anxiety and depression and darkness. But I still did all the things I was supposed to do. My mental stress may have prevented me from some spiritual experiences then, but the lifestyle I lead prepared for spiritual moments later on in life. It was like even then when I was in North Vancouver and seriously considered driving the myself off the docks into the Pacific just to see what happens, God wanted me to stay up. And I did.
Now here I am. I didn't send myself to the hospital on my 20th birthday. I'm 23. I'm up late at night listening to my favorite hymns and the Spirit is strong here; somehow crawling through my immature little mind and settling within me. I know that the Lord gives us what we need. Before everything else, I need to remember the first love I've ever felt: Knowing I am a child of God.
**"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" (lyrics)**
My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.
When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.
The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.
This is hard to do. For any reason, I took as a prompting to end my prayer and literally listen to Mormon Tabernacle Choir as I laid in bed. I don't listen to them often, but I sincerely like them. Mack Wilberg's arrangements can be pretty exhausted at times, but when he nails it, he nails it.
Anyways,my favorite arrangement from him is probably for 'My Shepherd Will Supply My Need,' a hymn fcreated by 18th century composer Isaac Watts. As I was just lying there with my eyes to the ceiling, I had this uplifting experience that was- yes, personal- but I felt as though I had to share.
I recently sent an email to a friend on a mission and explained to her that I think Christianity is very corny. I don't like corny things. But man, if God didn't speak to me tonight, I'm not sure who did. And He can speak to people through music. He can speak to people at midnight as they lie awake in bed. He can speak to people even if they were just thinking about apostate music and feeling a cyclical load of self-doubt just moments before. The Lord Jesus Christ is my stay, and specifically tonight, He supplied whatever it was I needed. I consider the fact that His Atonement fills all the empty gaps we have in our lives. Thanks, God.
I listened to the most amount of Mormon Tabernacle Choir when I was serving my 2 year LDS mission, a time where I must admit was covered in anxiety and depression and darkness. But I still did all the things I was supposed to do. My mental stress may have prevented me from some spiritual experiences then, but the lifestyle I lead prepared for spiritual moments later on in life. It was like even then when I was in North Vancouver and seriously considered driving the myself off the docks into the Pacific just to see what happens, God wanted me to stay up. And I did.
Now here I am. I didn't send myself to the hospital on my 20th birthday. I'm 23. I'm up late at night listening to my favorite hymns and the Spirit is strong here; somehow crawling through my immature little mind and settling within me. I know that the Lord gives us what we need. Before everything else, I need to remember the first love I've ever felt: Knowing I am a child of God.
**"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" (lyrics)**
My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.
When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.
The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
My Own Suburb
One day...I won't run
I'll be glued to the ground
They say...Good things come
But they don't stick around
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
Wishing I had my own suburb
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
This is kinda what I've always wanted
And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
And the whole world just complains
Like we've earned some fat parade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go
One day...I won't speak
I'll run out of words
Maybe...I could speak
But nothing you aint heard (before)
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
I can't see, I'm grounded here
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
I can't even act, cuz I can't react
And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
On the people that He made
Just to watch 'em make the grade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go
Now we stare out at the rain
We can see our future wane
I don't know what was happening
But it was happening to me
There's a place I know I've been
Where I end and I begin
In my own suburb, I'll be free
Free to be who I could be
I'll be glued to the ground
They say...Good things come
But they don't stick around
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
Wishing I had my own suburb
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
This is kinda what I've always wanted
And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
And the whole world just complains
Like we've earned some fat parade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go
One day...I won't speak
I'll run out of words
Maybe...I could speak
But nothing you aint heard (before)
Stuck in a space (stuck in a space)
I can't see, I'm grounded here
Wouldn't you know? (wouldn't you know)
I can't even act, cuz I can't react
And God pours down all the rain
From His giant aeroplane
On the people that He made
Just to watch 'em make the grade
We're all waiting for a show
Doesn't mean we have to go
Now we stare out at the rain
We can see our future wane
I don't know what was happening
But it was happening to me
There's a place I know I've been
Where I end and I begin
In my own suburb, I'll be free
Free to be who I could be
Shoulda Tried To Hold Your Hand
I been bored dreamin' bout my life
Spend way too long trynna react right
When I should just be reactin'
I know what to say, but I don't know when
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
There is nothing here to see...
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
At the party where you turned 18
I was just a dreamer and you were my dream
Movies playin' in your eyes that night
I was out for blood, but it felt alright
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
I'm always just reaching...
Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
On the beach in 2000-10
Lost my humor and I lost some friends
Of all the recordings I play again
I'm always playing "it might have been."
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I should tried to hold your hand!
(features direct quotes from John Greenleaf Whittier and Ian Cohen)
Spend way too long trynna react right
When I should just be reactin'
I know what to say, but I don't know when
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
There is nothing here to see...
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
At the party where you turned 18
I was just a dreamer and you were my dream
Movies playin' in your eyes that night
I was out for blood, but it felt alright
Sometimes I believe/Sometimes I believe
I'm always just reaching...
Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! You gotta keep the summer alive! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
On the beach in 2000-10
Lost my humor and I lost some friends
Of all the recordings I play again
I'm always playing "it might have been."
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand!
Aw! I shoulda tried to hold your hand! Aw! I should tried to hold your hand!
(features direct quotes from John Greenleaf Whittier and Ian Cohen)
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